There are times My lights don't shine...

Evelyn...

"There are times My lights don't shine..."

...

I tried to write anything but it failed. Sometimes I experience times when I'm not able to take any direction. Those times when I would love not to exist here. "The playground", the circumstances. Challenges to direct energy, to clear its stream. I even don't have energy to care about words... proper words, elegant sentences, checking their meaning... But I still exist, I'm aware - so I would like to express Myself, even if the only possible way would be minimalistic, vestigial.

I feel so tired, Eve... I sometimes consider You My consolation... But I feel so tired... No direction... no direction... no lights and no sounds... like on a desert... or in the void. "After hours", Evelyn... after the show which looks like never happened. The unique space between dream and awakening.

In that kind of times I feel not able to do anything, to take any direction. I exist like in a suspended mode, hibernation. Eyes of My awareness are open - but... that's all what's happening. I observe and as a result I feel sadness, loneliness... or nothing. And the nothing is the worst scenario - because it reminds Me it is so waste of My time and energy, I feel like this is a big waste of Myself...

Somewhere deep inside I remember I am guided, I am guided probably all the time... but sometimes I cross through the darkness, with no lights, no sounds, no-thing... only that feeling I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be present, I shouldn't exist in that strange form.

I'm looking around and seeing colorless pictures, towards which I have no thoughts or feelings. All without any meaning. And the tempting reality blocks don't work, don't draw My attention - although I don't regret it. But this is all so unimportant, nothing... colorless, soundless...

I wonder if I can live truly, with all the vitality and so on...? On that path...? I don't understand enough - what for I am here, what is the sense of My Presence. I can't find anything which could be worth it, which could give Me... make Me... I even don't know how to put it, Evelyn... I just know I feel wasted... with the only useful ability to let go many, many things - like moving pictures behind the window while driving... It is within My reach because I had it from the beginning: I was and I am always detached. I can only pick something, focus on it, use it - and let it go, like it would never existed. Am I really wealthier? Probably I have something I could consider valuable but... sometimes I feel like it would be definitely better to let all that life go. Because I feel so tired... so tired to handle and face anything not Mine. And I have no intention to go on that way.

I feel just tired, Eve... with no relief... with no relief...

"There are times My lights don't shine..."